I guess it became time for me to write again, as I'm not sure anyone even reads this, or why. Major life changes happen, and attitude is critical to making them positive. How do you do that when your wife of 32 years deserts you? She passed away after several weeks of agonizing pain from her multiple myeloma. Grieving takes many forms and on a psychological level I had heard of the cycle including anger. That's definitely part of it as it really does feel like she's deserted me. Her cancer was turning the bone lesions of her first bout into fractures. The pain was unmanageable, despite narcotics that seemed beyond tolerable. Her oncologist finally determined she should be hospitalized solely to better manage her pain. Her cancer wasn't responding to the chemo and we had already been in contact with hospice care. I've received all the love and support from family and friends that one can imagine. Two brothers, two kids, loving friends all there in support. I truly am a lucky man. John has collected financial information and I've now got an advisor whom I know I can trust and whom I know is smarter than everyone else. So now I'm in an empty house, except for the two cats. Our old dog Java decided it was time for her to go too, so she shat in the house a couple of times to remind us how old and feeble she was. Having a vet come out to the house and having family comforting the pet as the drugs take affect is the best goodbye available. June 11th just before midnight she cried a tear. Michelle has been at her side, taking her turn telling Betty how much she was loved, and that it was time to go. It seemed as if Betty finally had a moment of lucidity, too weak to speak, she opened her eyes and tried to lift her head. At that point, her daughter, her son, her sister and her husband were all at her side, thanking and loving her all that we could. My primary thought was the need for passage of a death with dignity law. Her last several weeks were an exercise in pain, heavy narcotics and suffering. It's now been three weeks and my grieving is all but over. I was a basket case for several days and slowly got better each day. I decided my lifestyle of a few years ago when Betty was still working had been a good one. I was at the golf course almost every day, walking 18 holes and seemingly in the best physical condition of my life. My weight was at its lowest and motion was easier, moving around what felt like a significantly lighter body. I'm about 235 now and would like to drop about 20 lbs. I expect to do it, too. Three days this week and each finish validates that it's good for me. I've shot 86, 80 and 78 those three days and it doesn't feel at all fluky. My game has improved and with it, my confidence in my game, and that's the best way to get better. So now I've emailed and communicated with an old friend whom I expect to meet with after decades and see how we feel about each other. It's been a difficult spring for old ladies in my network of awareness. Recently deceased in addition to Betty: Norma, the woman who ran a daycare in her rundown Watsonville rental and provided nurturing to our kids from the time they were babies until they started school just around the middle of May. Holli, my old friend Jody's wife of 40 years whom Betty and I spent time with when we were in Rohnert Park before they moved to Oregon, a little later in May. Betty's Aunt Shirley, her mom's sister, who was 91 and whom we got to visit just a few days before she passed, just last Sunday. I know as we get older that more of the people we've known for all these years will eventually pass. The key must be that it's them, not me. I've got things going very well and still feel like a lucky man. No good way to close here, but that's enough for now.

Still managing, not having enough fun, but shouldn't complain. It so rarely does any good. The good news is that I've now been 13 months since my last seizure, mid December of 2013. That one occurred just as I turned off the power to Pat's Prius at her house, dropping her off after our dinner. We'd already dropped off Dave at Aegis. For whatever reason, I thought I'd forego my scheduled doobie before dinner with our old friends. Big mistake. Without the cannabis, tapering the phenytoin left me too under dose. With the seizure, Doc Butowski agreed to change meds, and I began my Lamictal prescription. It's been over a year and I'm getting tired of these side effects. There was a significant relief from depression when I stopped the phenytoin. The Lamictal, being also prescribed for bipolar disorder in addition to being an anti-convulsant, has increased my emotional sensitivity so much that I cry every day, only when I see something very positive, and I feel their perspective and happiness for them, and I tear up. No bawling, but involuntary crying. Weird and I want it to stop. Doc Butowski isn't as knowledgeable as psychiatrists on the various medications involved so he's referring me to a psychiatrist at UCSF. The hope is that person will be able to start me on medications with minimum side effects and complete seizure control. Cannabis daily is still my medicine of choice, but since having a 4 day cold several weeks ago, my cough hasn't cleared up as much as I expect it to, and the smoking exacerbates it. 218 golf rounds posted last year is a personal record that will never be repeated, unless the medication gets magical. My fatigue feels like more now than it did a year ago, but I know it's always been there and may have been worse than I remember. This blog is more a diary for me, and since so little changes, posting here only randomly pretty much covers everything. Oh yeah, I had my semi annual MRi last week and there remains nothing new going on in my brain. That's good news. No tumor growth.